VJ The Wizard

Happy Father’s Day! A lot of people have difficult relationships with their fathers. Some have no relationship with their fathers, and others have fathers who have passed away. I’m lucky in a lot of ways. By far, the biggest advantage in life I was given was having a great father and a great mother. Wealth, race and sex are considered the vehicles of privilege in today’s society, but I cannot think of a single advantage bigger than coming into this world with a pair of loving parents.

These days I’m living my life with the intention of minimizing the things that I’ll regret when I’m 120 years old. I wish I hadn’t spent so much time with my dad. Is something that I’m pretty sure nobody has ever said on their deathbed. I’m a lucky man and I know it, so after I finish this I’m going over to my parents’ house and I’m going to make my dad do a workout with me.

My dad, Vincent Joseph Dollard, known by his friends as VJ, is an easygoing type. His temper is rarely seen but when it comes out, it’s an awesome thing to behold. I’ve often thought that when my dad gets angry it’s like that scene in the Fellowship of the Ring where Bilbo tries to accuse Gandalf of wanting the ring for himself, and Gandalf roars BILBO BAGGINS!!!! and magically grows three feet taller. Bilbo is appropriately cowed, realizes he fucked up, and Gandalf goes back to being the kindly wizard.

One time, during spring break in high school, my dad caught myself and a bunch of buddies funneling beers in the back yard of a beach house we’d rented. We’d agreed that we wouldn’t drink in the house, and so we were doing one of the only things we’d promised not to. These were a dozen or so of the rowdiest, most fun-loving 17 year olds you could imagine but when he caught us, boy, lemme tell you, the volcano erupted and turned us all into ashen statues. My dad, bless him, is really good with words so he delivered one of the all-time greatest tongue lashings that any of us have experienced to this day.

VJ: This is bullshit. We had a deal. We know it’s spring break and you’re gonna be drinking beers when you’re out and about, but not here. NOT. HERE.

Wilson: Don’t worry Mr. Dollard, we were only doing one at a time.

VJ: YOU FUCKED UP!!!

We then had to stay outside, clean everything up, and then come back in and apologize and make a case to the chaperones as to why we should be allowed to continue the trip. Guess who got nominated to deliver the apology? Much to my dad’s bemusement, it turned out that one of my friends Erik was actually recording the angry speech and posted it on facebook, where it was replayed and reminisced over for years to come. In particular YOU FUCKED UP! Became an inside joke among our friend group, and as with any good story, it would get embellished with every re-telling. Eventually my dad, like Gandalf, had grown three feet taller and darkened the skies with his voice alone that day.

It’s been said that the best men are the ones who have power but choose not to wield it. There’s the man who can use a sword but uses it too much, then there’s the man who doesn’t use the sword because he’s weak and incapable of using it, but the best man of all is the one who’s perfectly capable of using the sword, and keeps it sheathed. Until he catches his kid and his friends funneling beers in the back yard.