I’ve noticed that there are two ways to react when someone shares bad news: either affirm the badness, or minimize it. Depending on the nature of the news, one or the other will usually help the person more. Is it tragic and/or irreversible? Does it affect someone’s health? Their livelihood? That of a loved one? Did a pet die? Then the best response to give is probably I’m so sorry to hear that or something like it. You want to empathize with that person and hold space for their sorrow, to make them feel safe to express pain, disappointment or grief. They need to feel supported and you can help them by being that support.
On the other hand, sometimes the best thing you can do is actually to minimize the event. I have a habit that I’ve noticed in myself over the years. Often, I’ll tell someone about something that’s bothering me, not so much to hear solutions, but to gauge the severity of their reaction. The severity of their reaction will inform me as to how upset I should feel about the thing. Life is ambiguous and I don’t always know if I have a real problem or not. I’m not actually sure if it’s a big deal, so when I tell someone else I’m really looking to see if they act like it’s a big deal. Sometimes, the most wonderful feeling comes when they shrug and say so what?
A good example: I lost my first BJJ tournament (and also several subsequent ones) in the first round. I was submitted and it was basically the worst result possible. I have a close friend, who shall remain nameless, who acted like somebody died when I told them. I am so, so sorry. They said, That’s terrible. Sorry, man. You must be so upset. Yes, I thought. It is terrible, because I am clearly a permanent loser forever. My friend meant well, but they didn’t have much experience playing sports and dealing with the disappointment of defeat. I love them dearly but the truth is, when I told them I lost and they acted like it was the end of the world, I felt worse than before.
On the other hand, I had a few other friends, and coaches, react differently. These were more often the ones who had been through it themselves, who knew what it felt like and how to keep my spirits up. They knew that sometimes you just have to shake it off, learn what can be learned, and then let it go. I lost the first round I told them. Hey, at least you got out there and tried. They said, Now you know what to work on for next time.
Which conversation do you think helped more? One reaction made me want to quit, and the other want me want to get back in the game. One maximized my pain, and the other minimized it. Take this nugget however you will, and use your best judgment. But the next time someone shares some negative news, it might be worth asking yourself which kind of reaction they need.